He sees you when you’re sleeping,
he knows when you’re awake,
he knows if you’ve been bad or good
so be good….

Or Else

For over a century this menace to society has been breaking into homes at night, and apparently watching you sleep. Even mice are paralyzed in fear by his presence.

No it’s not Edward Culllen, it’s Santa Claus. Nowadays we are not bought off by his gifts, and our children know better than to take candy from strange men.

What can you do to protect yourself from this holiday horror? Follow the simple instructions below and you can enjoy a silent night.

1) Write a letter pleading for your life. Explain what makes you valuable to society and why you should be passed over. Better yet, have your kid do it. Santa may have a soft spot for children. It worked on the Grinch. You can send Santa and email, call him, post to his Facebook page, or twitter.

2) Be on the look out for his misunderstood twin brother Krampus. Every year on the fifth of December this deformed creature roams the Alps ringing bells and dragging rusty chains as a harbinger of Santa’s arrival. (Go on, google it).

3) Know his whereabouts. Modern science allows us to track Santas movements. Simply type Santa into google maps or google earth to find up to the minute details on his location.

4) Deck the halls with boughs of holly: M Night Shamalan taught us that the beasts do not care for the color red. Red of course is the most proven way to deter Mr. Claus, but science has proven any bright color will do. Pay special attention to your roofs as strings of lights sometimes have the unintentional benefit of getting tangled in his sled.

5) Light the fire and hang your old socks. The heat and the smell may be enough to frighten Santa away from your abode.

6) Leave milk and cookies. If it doesn’t slow him down it may eventually lead to diabetes, protecting future generation from this night of terror.

Good luck! And have a safe and Happy Holiday Season!